We all have done some horrible stuff in our past that we totally regret, and given the opportunity to turn back time, we would do it differently. Or with much knowledge then, we would have done it differently.
I got a little story, more of a secret, to share although l might leave some information to your imagination. So a few years ago l did something horrible. Well, to me it wasn’t horrible then but as l look back now l laugh at myself thinking, “Grace, what exactly were you thinking? How did you think this was going to end?” Before you judge me, the thing wasn’t illegal per se but it was definitely something that was frowned upon. For the sake of keeping this more of a mystery l shall call this legal but unethical thing, ‘eating an apple’.
Peer pressure got a hold on me. My close friend had been eating apples for years but in secret of course. Some people had publicly done it and of course they received their part of shame although in a way they looked like heroes to me. They stood up for what they believed in and didn’t hold back. It gave me enough courage to eat my own apple.
I recall going back to school and l could see in everyone’s eyes that l was now an enemy. No one else was bold enough to start the conversation but l could tell they wanted to ask me, ‘Grace, is it true? You do not exactly look like someone who would do such horrible things.’ l lost those l thought were my friends including the one who had influenced me to do so. Who would want to be associated with me? They didn’t want to be labelled as ‘apple eaters’.
It’s amazing how a story spreads. Everyone from my stream, my seniors and juniors knew about it. I am sure that those teachers who loved gossiping and were always in students’ businesses also knew about it. I was the talk of the school. That is when l learnt that apologizing doesn’t necessarily do any good. I felt alone yet surrounded by a lot of people. I felt like a curse had been cast on me. I prayed every single day for the ground to swallow me whole.
The worst thing about it was how people exaggerated. The version of the story changed from person to person and on a daily basis. The story had turned into a broken telephone game. In the beginning it started off as, ‘Grace ate an apple.’ But by the end of the week it was, ‘Grace ate apples, oranges and grapes.’ By the end of the month, Grace had finished the whole orchard. Funny right?
The pain of knowing that everyone is talking about you but not to you is unbearable. I drastically lost weight that l am still trying to gain at this very moment. l didn’t necessarily regret taking that action because l felt that it was my right to eat apples if l wanted to. After all it wasn’t an illegal thing. There is nothing wrong in being who you are. It took a couple of sessions in therapy with the Counsellor for me to be able to feel like a normal human again.
Now l know better. I have grown to understand why people weren’t in support of my ideology. Low-key, l am grateful to the person who revealed my secret. Not only did it make me stronger than l was but it taught me to think some things thoroughly before acting.
* I don’t know if you were able to figure out what l did. If you think you know, trust me, you don’t.
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