See, I’m one of those people who journal and write out their emotions. I go in deep—input my all into my words and express myself fully and completely!
My year started with me desperately needing a job. I was so broke that I almost got into a relationship just to be taken care of. Listen, I am team self-worth and independence so you must understand that I was at my lowest. I quickly made up my mind that I wasn’t about to be that girl who takes the easy road. If it meant I had to make some lifestyle changes, so be it! So I found myself having to let go of two things I desperately wanted in my life, to be loved and to be financially taken care of and okay…
I remember soon after leaving a comfortable and stable romantic situation that came with a bae allowance, a friend of mine decided to go to a nice fancy restaurant for her birthday lunch, gosh I made a brave decision and decided YOLO. I enjoyed every bit of it, brokenness aside! And for that month I put aside my data needs and I still survived. I went without certain things so I could enjoy other beautiful aspects of life as well.
I then found myself again compromising on my standards relationship-wise. Coming from a girl who believes it is better to be single than to be loved wrong, this was another very low point. But I was so lonely and just needed to be loved. I didn’t want to be alone, I wanted to be loved and loved right, but the latter was a fantasy. There are things I just don’t like in a man, but here I was making excuses for him. Suddenly the color red became my favorite color or I became color blind, but this girl ignored the red flags!
I found myself in yet another toxic work situation. At this point, I was just about done with it all. I broke down!!! I cried so much this year, I don’t remember a year I cried more! The very first time I remember my heart wrenching cries was in February. There was a guy I liked and long story short, my heart broke. It was raining so my cries were muffled by that but I’m sure my family would have responded to my wailing.
The next time I cried was at work! No strong powerful woman no more... my heart was extremely torn. I had to leave but I just didn’t have the strength because I was convinced that it would become a trend, but then God made me leave, and that hurt too.
Another time I cried a heart wrenching cry was about a month or 2 back, it was a trying week. I cried myself to sleep every single day! And I didn’t know why, but my heart hurt. That was my most depressing time of the year.
And to top it all, there is a girl I met who showed me that we are truly a brood of vipers. I have never felt so alone in my life. In all this, I gave so much of myself this year to the extent that it hurt. It hurt and still hurts so much. I remember almost a decade ago while I was in high school I made a new year’s resolution to be nicer and kinder to people. Year in, year out I made that resolution. It felt like a continuous and much needed thing to aspire to. And I wasn’t watching closely enough, but I became nice. But I still felt like I could do more, I still do because this is a continuous cycle of self-improvement.
But I gave off so much of myself this year that all I want to do is to regain that strength. I learned this year that no one, NO ONE cares about me as much as I do, or at least should. See, we have been taught the gospel of selflessness so much that we end up losing ourselves. We lose our identity and we lose that which makes us the people we are in the first place. So for a decade I have given, and given, and given so much that I hadn’t been looking around me. Only to realize that there is nothing left to give. I have nothing left to give. I’ve given and I’ve run out. I’ve run dry and low on whatever it is I was giving and with little to nothing to show for it.
On top of all this pain, I had a strong feeling of death weighing me down so very much. At first, I thought they were panic attacks and I just had to be well adjusted. But about a month later, it became so vivid and so real to me. I knew I was going to die before my 26th birthday. I walked around for months on end carrying a heavy spirit of death. I know as you read this you think maybe spiritual death which is the greatest form of death, but I mean death in the natural as well. God warns those He loves. I prayed! Sheesh, I prayed! The more I prayed, the heavier it became. So much heavier that I had accepted that I was going to die... I was low-key preparing to die. Oh, what lies the enemy feeds us!!! I was distraught, I had prayed until I couldn’t anymore and I had accepted premature death! I had accepted a terrible fate! I was afraid of telling my parents because I didn’t want them to be stressed. It’s one thing calling my Dad crying to tell him I’m in a toxic work situation and asking him not to worry Mum and just tell her when I’ve left. And it’s another texting Mama that I feel like I’m dying. And dying I was! See the 21 days of life I did on my podcast? That was a testimony. Cause I asked an amazing woman who has been carrying me to pray with me. For 3 months I could still sense the death hovering over me. Until one day I didn’t. But it came back haha! Devil is a liar!!! That’s when I stumbled upon that Bible reading challenge and I can testify, I am alive!!!
A bitter and extremely sour taste that 2021 has left in my life. I wish I could say I am all the better for it, but the truth is, I don’t know. Some days were extremely amazing! Great things happened like at the top of my head I remember representing my organization at COP26. I went through a writing mentorship, the Under 30 Writers. I went through a Women Ministers Mentorship which led me to do a Virtual Evangelism Crusade. And through all this, I was in the pits of sorts. Like how I did the Gathering of The Saints whilst fighting a serious physical, spiritual and mental battle. I remember even the Fervent 10 Days of Prayer touched hearts and created fellowship but I was at a point where I felt God doesn’t answer prayers. And yes, I did The Art Of Letting Go, again how I look back at 21 Days of life and realize that I am alive only because of God’s grace. This is just but to mention a few. I met some amazing people as well and had beautiful moments too! But a whole lot of me wasn’t present in it all because I was suffering and just didn’t have the energy to show up for most of my life.
So as painful as it has all been, as exhausted as I feel and as scared of the future and being a bit left right and center again in 2022, I am thankful for life. And I am hopeful for a better tomorrow.
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