“You should come back home, I talked to one of my friends and he says if you come back he’ll have a job ready for you. Because I’m not really sure what you’re doing there anyway.”
I was in university, second-year MBA. That’s what I was doing. But I was tired and I too was feeling like I wasn’t doing anything significant at all.
“That sounds like a great idea dad. I’d love to come back home.” In my heart of hearts, I suspected this is not what I was meant to be doing. But I was tired.
And unfortunately for me, my dad had caught me right when I felt I’d come to the end of myself. So we agreed that I’d be home in January after my final exams.
Growing up I’ve always been unhealthily dependent on my father. Not in an emotional way. I leaned on him to make decisions for me; what to study in uni, what career path to take etc. Whenever I didn’t seek his counsel I’d feel paralysed, unable to know what to do at all. It was really bad that when I was away at uni, whenever I was faced with challenges or seasons where I felt like I was stuck, I would always want to go back to my haven. Nothing could affect me and everything would be sorted as long as I was in my parents’ house.
Classic case of misplaced trust.
As I realized the consequences of what I’d agreed to I began to pray to God that He would fix my mistake and cause my dad to change his mind about me going home.
But God didn’t answer me, to my surprise, no matter how much I cried. That was soo unlike Him. Crimson eyes for a cardinal sin I thought to myself. But He had changed my parents’ mind a year ago when He had told me I needed to be in North Cyprus a little longer, couldn’t He do it again? Was He not that invested in my destiny anymore?
November passed and so did December. Certain events happened during these months that I thought would sway my dad’s plan but the man was adamant to have me home. A few days before my departure I had a conversation with another father I hold in high regard and he told me to go back home. In past times this would never have been his response. Every drop of life got sucked out of me. Now there was really no hope.
While still knee-deep in my misery, I decided to take a walk and run a few errands in preparation for my departure. God asked me a question as I strolled. Now He wanted to talk? ‘Are you sure you’re not just being stubborn about going back home because you’re emotionally attached to this place and the people?’
Well… Geez Dad.
Obviously, I was in denial. I was on that “no Lord I’ll go if you tell me to go” tip so there’s no way this was an emotional attachment speaking. God hadn’t given me the instruction to go… had He? I mean this had been my mistake, I had decided to leave not Him.
As I continued to walk I realized that I had been emotionally attached to the place and the people. I’d been holding on where God was okay with me letting go. I knew there was a time when I’d have to be separated from my parental dependency, He had told me the time is coming but I thought I was just going to be cut off financially. Surely it didn’t require months and a whole plane ride across the continent to get it over with.
In that moment, it also dawned on me that God Himself was super laid back about all of this, He literally could have done anything to stop this trip from happening, He knows He has the full permission to disrupt my plans but instead He was chilling on His throne watching me stress about a situation He had already handled. He had just been waiting for the perfect opportunity to get a word in and open my eyes. It was in that moment that I decided to let go because it seemed I was the only one holding on. If God Himself, the owner of this life that I was living was not fussed why on earth was I?
In the last three months, the change I needed to propel me forward in my destiny occurred because of one phone call on a bad day. It took one undesirable event to make the desirable happen. If we observe our lives, we all have one such event. Seemingly dark based on our fleeting emotions and short-sightedness, looking like it's for our detriment. Not every negative turnout of events ends there. God has been God a long time, He knows what He’s doing. He foresees our every decision and He knows how He’ll use it for the glory of His name.
But what if sometimes all you need is a change in perspective?
What if that negative feeling I felt in that moment of the phone call was the growth unaccounted for that had taken place inside of me over time? What if it was the growth that was trying to tell me that I didn’t need my dad to make decisions for me anymore by disapproving of my old ways of unhealthy dependency? What if it was the transformed me that felt uncomfortable with the fact that I wanted to use home as my port in a storm as I’d always done. What if the feeling was not disapproval of me going home as I’d thought but rather of who’s leading I was trusting to make such a move?
What if some events that occur in our lives are not to lead us into growth but simply to reveal the growth that has already occurred?
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